Essense of Infidelity
On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other's philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered
Let's go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman's signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman's appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?
I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I'm wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don't think so.
I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.
I don't presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let's start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love" creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It's just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn't solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever "it" is.
According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it's just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman's pleasure and "most women lie to men about their satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman's body are responsive to erotic touch. It's different for every woman (man too). So here's what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman's body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.
There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.
The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn't work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other's needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.
What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?
背叛的本质
我曾经在一个很有名的网站上看到有关两性背叛越轨的评论，是应该原谅还是忘记？总共有260条跟贴，每一条我都仔细看过。有一点可以肯定，那就是其中一方将会成为另一方红杏出墙的受害者。咋一眼看过去，几乎所有人都会认为性越轨是婚姻矛盾的的罪魁祸首。然而，我个人认为，越轨，不忠，或者绯闻都不是婚姻矛盾的开端。或许在他们做出山盟海誓之前，根源就已经埋下。
让我们从他们开始交往的事情讲起。在他们决定结婚之前，是怎样的一个情形？他们会经常出去约会，看看对方是否合适。但你要知道一点，那就是，通常主动权掌握在女方手中，而男方必须察言观色并按照女方的节奏来发展彼此之间的感情。既然他们彼此深爱，又曾表达过忠于对方的爱情誓言，那么他们是如何因为一件绯闻而终陷入感情危机呢？
我认为，产生此危机的原因在于大众舆论和婚姻期望。在我所看的这些帖子当中，有一个共同之处，那就是他们都认为，在“婚后”的前提条件下，忠诚是婚姻最重要和最宝贵的因素。这样看来，任何范错的事情都可以容忍，除了背叛。在这里，我并不支持有一定容忍限度的背叛行为。我只是想知道结婚的真正理由。他们是因为相爱而结婚吗？还是出于性需求？或是想独自占有对方？还是因为要在感情上，物质上，性方面上得到保证？还是仅仅为了要小孩？或是他们结婚是因为发现对方的职业上，经济上很匹配，情同意合；或是他们发现他们一开始就互相吸引，然后彼此深爱，接着就应该生儿育女？难道所有人结婚的理由都是一样的吗？我看不是！
我相信，有些人是为了爱而结婚，有些人是为了性需要而结婚，有些人是为了地位，金钱而结婚，也有些人是为了想要生小孩做妈妈而结婚，甚至是为了安全，便利，事业需要而结婚，原因很多很多。如果是那样的话，那么就忠诚而言，为什么每个结婚的人都坚持同样的标准呢？也就是说，每个人都期待浪漫而轰烈的爱情，并且认为忠诚是结婚最崇高的价值。
我并不是想得到一切答案，但是，就背叛的起因来说，或许我可以提供一些见解。让我们从一对热恋中的情侣说起，他们发誓永远忠于彼此。这个时候的他们，眼睛里只有星星和月亮的浪漫景象，有时候恋爱会使得她们变得十分盲目，听不进去旁人的一言半语，特别是当对方刚好拥有你心目中白马王子的特质，这种特质恰恰是你所要求的将来与你一生为伴的人应当要具备的标准。这个时候，即使他对你说谎，或是对你食言，甚至做了违抗你原则的事情，但你都会容忍，因为你深爱着他，觉得除了这些，他在其它方面依然优秀。毕竟，热恋中的你们正朝着婚姻的殿堂走去，你们认为你们将来会处理好这样的一些事情。然而，我想说的是：爱情可以战胜一切，但爱情不能解决一切问题。当双方打算一起相处时，他们应该先达成协议，划好彼此的底线。如果他们决定要结婚，婚姻的规则和双方相处的原则底线就必须要先协商好。当然，在感情发生变故之前，那种情形不应该拿出来揣测和讨论，但个人的对于婚姻的准则必须在做出终生承诺之前确定。如果男方/女方其中一方容忍了对方侵犯自己最基本的底线的行为，那么这意味着他/她已经对自己的原则妥协了，这将可能导致将来还会发生相同的情形，一次，两次.....。
根据我所订阅的“男人/女人视角”杂志可以总结出一个观点，女人在男女关系中握有权力，她们可以提出要求，而且只要这个女人信任和尊重她的男人，如果男人想取悦他所爱的女人，他就会尽力去满足她的要求。搀杂在这“要求”与“满足”之间的其中很重要的一点是性。男人会为性做任何事情，实际上，女人对性的渴望也和男人一样，只是出于世俗的原因而难于启齿。男人从女人的愉悦中得到愉悦，反之亦然。然而，对大部分女人来说，即使她们感到满足，她们还是会对她们的男人说谎。总体上说，女人不可能一直保持很好的精力和魅力，而男人，除非受到指点，不然也不理解女人身上哪些才是真正的性爱部位；反之亦然。他们这些对性的看法差异，也使他们在看待婚姻是爱情的结晶以及忠诚是婚姻最崇高价值的问题上，内心发生潜在的变化。接着女人开始怀孕，怀孕使女人的身体和生理方面发生巨大的变化，看起来不再那么性感了。当女人成为母亲之后，她开始日夜操劳，其内在的魅力也一点点退去。一般讲，夫妻双方都有工作，工作占据了他们大部分的时间和精力。而女人还要操理家务，虽然男人也会做一些家务的事情，但不管怎么说，5000年的母系家庭的发展已经使得家务成为母亲的内在本分。所以，这整个故事意味着什么呢？这意味着随着家庭的建立，男女双方都把大部分的精力和心思放在家庭和工作上，除非他们一直保持当初的那份热情和精力，否则他们曾经拥有的那分彼此的“恋爱”感觉将会被一点点磨灭掉。
通常上讲，大部分的夫妻在结婚后都不希望欺骗对方，也不想惹出绯闻。那么绯闻究竟是怎么产生的呢？ 夫妻双方总会出现一方出于某种原因未能满足对方的要求。然而她/他偶然在外面发现某某异性能够满足他/她在家里无法满足的要求，或者突然发现过去那令自己心跳感觉的情景再现。当然，这不像对方在对你引诱，而是你无意识对过去美好的怀恋和向往。起先，她/他会对这个“偶遇”保持距离，因为此时的他/她还是理智的，然而却希望能够享受这种曾经享受过那种美好的感觉，被重视，被宠爱。于是，当他/她回到家之后，他/她就会给对方暗示，希望得到对方的更多重视和关爱。然而夫妻的另一方可能认为，既然已经结婚了，而且都生活得好好的，反正以后还有漫长的时间陪你就是了，这样也就对对方的暗示不以为然。朋友们，记住，当事情发生到这种地步，很可能意味着绯闻即将到来。当一方开始在外面寻找她/他无法在家里得到的，在精神上，感情上，生理上的支持和理解，特别是当他/她失落或遇到困难的时候，那么绯闻的种子已经种下了。
总以为戴上了戒指，就代表着对方会一辈子遵守诺言，呵护你一辈子。其实这种把婚姻想当然的观点是错误的。据统计，80％的离婚源于背叛或出轨！婚姻本身不能拯救婚姻，婚姻实际上只是一个人生约定！这个约定需要经常得到对方的支持，理解，帮助和信任，才能永久和忠诚。
