Five particular problem areas in marriage
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and
recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband
just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry
and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was
doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books
away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc.
– then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing
these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!”
“I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do
things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more
self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become
irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap
at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I
don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very
easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes
me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along;
I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and
impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough.
One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t
change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change
about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get
better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that
tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to
remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has
done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that
sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency. First, I
remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously
overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes
sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other
people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when
husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their
estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend
organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband
spends dealing with our car or food-shopping.
It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an
inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the
only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one
who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do. Second, I remind myself of
the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one
does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal
Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to
overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to
appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For
example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband
almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to
stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty
annoyances. This is easier said than done. I’ve found that working to keep my
resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me
stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term
relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
