Apple buys Tesla, releases the iCar. Pros: Colors include sweet bamboo and clementine flake, and a killer stereo and breakthrough heads-up video display come standard.
Cons: Batteries can't be replaced, and the proprietary charging system accepts power only from Apple's own power plants. In addition, iCar version 1.0 can't multitask, so video and audio functions may be used only while parked. With a range of just 30 miles, experts agree its worst function is as a car. Still, consumers can't resist the iCar, and the waiting list for the $74,499 special-edition truffle mist version is three years. Don't wait for a white one, it'll never be produced.
Building on the incredible (literally) success of its Exadata machine, Oracle releases the Exadata Home Appliance. The device, affectionately known as the toaster within Oracle can also be used to heat homes in colder climes, but is primarily used by overprotective soccer moms to analyze terabytes of data on their kids. Feed the device results of physicals, SAT and ACT scores, and the full contents of the child's text message folder, and in seconds receive everything from behavior predictions to sentiment analysis, to help parents avoid offending the little dears.
Longer term, the Exadata Home Appliance can be used for genetically engineered mate selection. Following the machine's recommendations yields grand-progeny bearing a strong resemblance to Larry Ellison.
Facebook buys appliance giant LG, releases FBfridge. As Facebook's market cap (not to be confused with actual value) reaches $100 billion, Mark Zuckerberg imbibes alcohol for the first time. Sometime during the subsequent drunken buying spree, Zuckerberg manages to focus momentarily on his phone's LG logo. Insisting that he must have it, along with a pizza and those chicks from the bar, the young billionaire puts LG and all its assets on his American Express Black Card.
The combined company's first product, FBfridge, recommends foods you might like to try, lets you know what your friends are eating, and insists on posting your daily calorie consumption along with cute but irritating nags about salt, fat, and alcohol intake. The Obama administration instantly moves to mandate use.
HP names Martha Stewart CEO, announces new afternoon TV show. In a surprising turnabout, HP's board of directors announces that Leo Apotheker is out and Martha Stewart is in. "We realized that what we really need is someone who combines the best traits of Carly Fiorina and Mark Hurd," says a beaming spokesman. "Martha brings the presence, bubbliness, and coif-savvy of Fiorina along with the business smarts of Hurd."
When asked about Stewart's other qualifications, the spokesman noted that she has been fully vetted by the SEC and "other authorities" and that the FBI has actually encouraged the board to immediately institute wiretaps on the new CEO.
Stewart's new show, which will debut on cable's Spike TV, features the decorating maven in low-cut HP jumpsuits offering tips on data center design and d&ecute;cor.
The show's tagline: "Efficiency simply isn't enough." Among other peripheral moves, Stewart has struck a deal with discount giant Kmart to sell HP's highest-end storage and server products. The announcement was greeted with stunned silence from the press, to which Stewart remarked, "It's a good thing." And promptly left the podium.
Citing chronic Intel envy, AMD buys Symantec. In a three-ring gala that saw the chipmaker renting out most of New Orleans, AMD chief Dirk Meyer announced that his company had pulled off the leveraged buyout of the century. With 100,000 drunken onlookers barely taking notice, Meyer and Symantec chief John Thompson announced the acquisition at the Superdome, flanked by second-string Saints linebackers to ward off hecklers humming "dumm dum dum dum DUM." "They think they're such hot shit? Well, McAfee doesn't look so great now, does it!?" said Meyer, who then proceeded to plant a two minute lip lock on Thompson.
Days after the announcement, an obviously hung over Meyer appeared defiant before reporters and released a terse statement: "As soon as Intel announces anything useful that could possibly come from its purchase of McAfee, so will we." Seconds later he projectile vomited, covering the first three rows of reporters in a toxic sludge of half-digested hurricanes, beignets, and oyster po boys.
Stock price soars as Google announces world domination. Dressed in a toga and wearing a laurel wreath, Google chief Eric Schmidt arrived at a briefing in a solid-gold chariot pulled by shirtless founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page. The docile Brin and Page stood with heads bowed as Schmidt was greeted by throngs of adoring Google employees chanting "Caesar, hail Caesar!"
Schmidt stood, arms folded, as a backlit image of J. Edgar Hoover slowly appeared behind him and then faded into his own likeness. As the crowd quieted, he stepped to the microphone and proclaimed: "It's me! It's always been me--and now I have enough dirt on every politician in the world to rule this worthless mud ball!" After the chants of "Hail Caesar" broke out again and silenced, a spokeswoman announced that the G20 leaders would be granted audiences over the next few days.
