What the Hell Happened This Week? - Week of 12/5/2021 The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

What the Hell Happened This Week? - Week of 12/5/2021

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

 

 

 

Created on https://www.dvdvideosoft.com/free-youtube-subtitles-download

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omicron the reason you need to adjust

your 2022 mosque budget the new variant

has now been found in 17 american states

yeah and honestly by the time you see

this it'll probably be up to like 80

states

now there is some good news dr fauci

says that while it's still too early to

know for sure it looks like omicron

spreads more easily than delta but maybe

less severe

yeah

which means covert might have watered

itself down so it could reach more

people

like the ice cube of corona variants

and that would be amazing if it's true i

mean like if covert just made people

sick instead of killing them i mean that

would be a game changer you know it's

still not great

but it's better

imagine if freddy krueger started giving   弗莱迪·克鲁格（Freddy Krueger），是出自《猛鬼街》系列电影的杀人狂

teenagers diarrhea instead of killing   

them that's a major improvement

and a really weird movie don't you get

it man if you poop in your dreams you

poop

in your bed

i guess

i'll just wash the sheets

oh yeah it's gonna be a whole laundry

day

still even if that turns out to be true

nobody wants another big wave of covert

cases nobody wants that which is why

today mayor市长 bill de blasio announced | Bill de Blasio is an American politician serving as the 109th mayor of New York City since 2014.

that new york city will be the first

city in the country to require

all private employees to be vaccinated接种疫苗

yeah which means you can feel better now

knowing that the guy's selling you your

fake vaccine card on the corner well

he's also going to be vaccinated

and thanks to fears of omicron there's

now a surge in demand for vaccines all

over the world although

not for everyone

a dentist in italy is

in hot water for trying to get his

covert vaccine in a fake arm he turned

up for the shot with a fake arm covering

his real arm hoping the nurse wouldn't

notice but when the nurse rolled up his

sleeve she found the skin rubbery cold

and the pigment too light sorry then

documented reason he gave me a half

smile and asked me to pretend i didn't

know anything and to give him the

vaccine anyway and i realized that he

was wearing a silicon bodysuit

the silicon bodysuit the nurse is

talking about would have looked

something like this there are several of

them online for sale

so wait so wait

this dude just put on a fake suit like

he was starring in house of gucci and

then he thought that

that would fool a nurse

well man

nurses put needles in arms all day they

know what a real arm feels like like if

a nurse feels cold rubbery skin they're

definitely gonna be like wait a minute

i already gave mitch mcconnell his shot

who are you not to mention this is italy

that's the hardest place to pull off a

fake arm hey how come are you not moving

your hands around or when you talk uh

i'm one of those italians who doesn't do

that i let my mouth do the talking ah

there is no such a thing

look man to be fair guys

you can't be that mad at a dentist for

lying to a doctor i mean how many times

have you gone to your dentist and said

oh yeah i definitely flush many times a

day he learned it from us

you know what i mean

i i gotta say this though man i respect

the ingenuity

these people are getting more and more

creative they these folks have come a

long way from drinking bleach

and you got to respect that you started

with the drinking the bleach

a little bit of the horse medicine and

then there was fake vaccine cards and

now my man just got a whole arm on

that's what we need to start selling dog

fake homes fake arms i don't

encourage them right hell yeah fake arms

that's what we should start selling

but you may not encourage them it's

money it's money to be made people are

willing to pay top down this man bought

a whole butt naked suit on the internet

to keep from getting a shot

if

you miss out on the money man you know

i'm right though

you know i'm right i don't know about

that okay all right let's move on from

covid to the other big event that sweeps

the whole world

the olympics

it's when all the nations of the world

compete to see who has the best steroids

they're also a chance for countries to

come together in harmony despite their

differences but sometimes there are some

differences that are too big to set

aside

and that's when it's time to play a new

olympic sport

hardball now to more breaking news the

u.s will not send any diplomatic

representatives to the beijing 2022

winter olympics press secretary gensake

announced the boycott citing china's

ongoing genocide and human rights abuses

in the past first ladies even presidents

have led the u.s delegation to the

olympics but this move by the biden

administration will mean no u.s

government officials attend in protest

of china's human rights abuses american

athletes however will still be allowed

to compete wow

wow wow that's huge there will be no

american government officials at the

olympics

which means if they want to watch it

they'll have to do it the way the rest

of us do by turning on the tv and then

getting bored after three minutes and

then turning it off and that's a real

shame that the american officials won't

be at the olympics

because you realize kamala harris was

about to become the first black woman to

ever watch a hockey game

but i mean honestly it doesn't surprise

me that joe biden would do this doesn't

surprise me at all for one thing he

cares deeply about human rights for

another he's 79 years old i mean he's

not about to fly across 12 time zones to

watch a bunch of norwegians sweep an ice

rink

that's the one cool reason to be

president right most of us if we don't

want to do something we have to come up

with some lame excuse and then everyone

else shows up and talks about how we

didn't come but if you're president

you can just be like diplomatic boycott

no one is allowed to attend emily's

birthday brunch now

the reason the u.s is doing this

diplomatic boycott of the olympics is to

protest china's abuses against the

uyghurs right which the u.s government

has declared a genocide

and when you when you think about it

it's a little weird to accuse an olympic

host of genocide but then still send all

of your athletes to that country

i mean it's it's genocide at least

pull out the bobsled team because now

all you're doing is saying you know all

our boring people well we're not sending

them that's the punishments like if

biden really wanted to punish china he

shouldn't withhold government officials

no he should send government in fact you

know what he should send the ones nobody

can stand yeah if you want to get back

at china you have marjorie taylor green   马乔丽·泰勒·格林（英語：Marjorie Taylor Greene，1974年5月21日－）是美国政客、商人，被有些人认为是阴谋论者，是乔治亚州第十四国会选区的现任美国众议员^[3]。格林的政治立场被认为是极右翼^[4]，她曾在Facebook视频中表达了对极右翼阴谋论匿名者Q的支持，但后来试图与阴谋论远离^[5] 

in the stands the only way a speed

skater could move that quickly is with

jewish magnets

okay we'll let the wigas go please just

take her back

first off

with all this global warming able like

six winter olympics left they should

have gone

they ain't that many winner olympics

left in the first place the bigger

question i have for you and you might

notice cause you and you more

international than me what does a

diplomat do

they just

show up and they go hey man america's

good we good america make sure you like

them they need them that's essentially a

diplomats job then they're an influencer

they're just a political influencer

that's what you do you influence the

country honestly if you want to make the

winter olympics more exciting that's

what they need to do africa

they need to do the summer events in the

winter

that's how you get to winter olympics

popping i don't know about no

bobsled but i love track and field oh

you the fastest person on the track

let's add some ice see what you do now

[Laughter]

i'm an email to ioc you know him right

i'm going to hit him up real quick

actually i would want to watch those

you're telling me michael phelps in ice

water you're telling me that's not

entertaining michael phelps in ice water

michael phelps on ice is even more

entertaining

[Laughter]

all right let's move on to our next

story which is about jobs

they're how we pass the time until we

die over the past few months more people

have been quitting their jobs than ever

before but while that's going on some

people are still becoming unemployed the

old-fashioned way by getting fired and

one ceo just came up with a new and

terrible way to do it a web boss had

some brutal news for more than 900 of

his workers who had just joined him on a

zoom call

you're fired less than four weeks from

christmas dumped via zoom the mortgage

startupbetter.com fired nine percent of

the workforce in a zoom call that lasted

less than three minutes thank you for

joining um

i come to you with not great news this

is the second time in my career i'm

doing this and i do not do not want to

do this

the last time i did it i cried

um this time i hope to be stronger

if you're on this call

you are

part of the unlucky group being laid off

your employment here is terminated

effective immediately

okay first of all

you can't say if you're on this call

you're unlucky enough like the call was

an optional thing and then people got

tricked into it that's some if

you're on this call well i'm not on this

call am i still fired

out of here man

900 people getting fired at once that's

not a firing that's a rapture

i mean a big group firing is the most

impersonal thing you can do if you

respect an employee you should have the

decency to sit down and tell them to

their face why you think they suck

until we fire it over zoom is especially

tough because i mean you can't storm out

all dramatic you know if you fight in

the office you get to be like you'll be

working for me one day

bang

but on zoom you have to be like you'll

all be working for me one day

wait where's the leave leave me no

that's

gallery view that's mute

am i am i gone no okay you'll all be

working for me one day hold on hey how

do i how do i quit the thing

how do i uh can dennis help me with this

can we get dennis help me i can't yeah

the button is not working for me to

leave

oh man i hope you guys are working for

me one day so you can help me with this

kind of stuff

you know the worst part for me was how

the ceo made it all about himself as

well

oh this is so tough

i hope i don't cry again what are the

people supposed to do comfort you for

firing them they're there it's okay i am

expendable i get it i get it

i mean not to mention i don't think

anyone should ever get fired before

christmas you know it totally ruins the

season if you're gonna fire someone on a

holiday you do it on valentine's day now

that way at least you give them an

excuse maybe i would have gotten you

something but abbas set me free

[Applause]

president biden held a video meeting

with vladimir putin to warn him not to  |Vladimir Putin,俄罗斯总统普金

invade ukraine

yeah

and a video chat is a tough way for both

of these guys to do diplomacy i mean

especially because even when he's in

person biden talks like he's got a bad

connection man come on man vlad you

gotta you know what the thing we're

trying to do on the border you gotta man

we gotta we gotta come on come on come

on man

joe

you're cutting out no joe i cannot hear

you you are cutting reboot your ser you

know what i reboot for you i have access

to white house servers not kamala she

doesn't use bluetooth everybody else

all right let's move on to some

technology news everyone loves tesla

cars they're like if a prius did

ayahuasca but now they're under fire for

a new feature that allows drivers to

play video games like solitaire on the

dashboard screen while driving

yeah which

guys come on

how are we supposed to drive and play

video games

and text and eat breakfast and do our

makeup and flip with other drivers for

not paying attention to the road it's

too much now people

and also i can't emphasize this enough

it's not worth dying in a car crash just

to play a video game

i mean at least not solitaire

you know if god of war was on there then

yeah i'll drive off a cliff but

solitaire

saint peter will be roasting your ass at

the pearly gates solitaire your

bitch-ass dad for solitude this is

hilarious yo mother teresa come here

this come here this yeah bring jeffrey

epstein with you can't bring jeffrey

with you oh this is crazy

wait what

jeffrey epstein's in heaven

are we just gonna carry on like that

didn't happen guys we're just gonna let

that how did he get into it all right

let's make like every bachelorette party

and go to nashville tennessee where

another confederate statue has been

removed this time it's one that was put

up in the 1990s yeah and it's of the

first kkk leader nathan bedford forrest

and i'm going to be honest you know this

this statue here was actually the one

confederate statue that i feel

should have been kept up

because i mean look at it

 is hilarious when have you ever

seen a statue where the general looks

like he's shooting his way out of a

salute you know he's like

his horse doesn't even have reigns every

other statue the general system like a

wise old man this dude looks like he

stole a horse in red dead redemption i'm

getting out of here

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i mean look at these i've never seen a

statue that's panicked who makes the

statue of your moment of panic he looks

like he found out he just found out what

a barack obama is they said what he's

the ruler of who

ah

in fact i realized you know what we

don't need to take down any confederate

statues yeah we should just say whoever

designed this statue has to design all

the other statues then both sides win

yeah and if this general really did look

like this in real life i think it would

explain a lot you know he's probably the

first guy at the clan rally who said you

know what we should all wear pillowcases

over our faces you mean to scare the

dorkies

oh yeah sure that's why

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for centuries humans have thought that

the moon is as barren and empty as chris

cuomo's work schedule but that might all

be about to change china's moon rover

has spotted a mystery object on the

horizon while working its way across a

crater on the far side of the moon in

this photo it's about 260 feet away and

you can see what looks like right angles

on a square object the rover is expected

to spend the next two to three months

trying to get closer

the cube shaped object was described in

chinese as quote a mystery hut uh

no

hell no

anything called a mystery hut you better

stay away from

i mean best case scenario

it's a pizza place that picks the

toppings for you but most likely you're

just going to get molested

and by the way what was that what was

that about did you hear that where they

said it's going to take two to three

months

to reach the mystery hut that's 260 feet

away

what did they send up there door dash

driver oh he's got a complete deliveries

on other planets first and then he'll be

right there here's an idea here's an

idea

what if

we leave the mystery hut alone

i mean i'm just saying between a

pandemic and climate change maybe now's

not a great time to risk opening up an

ancient box that we found on the moon

i mean chances are it's probably just

going to be a boulder or something

because let's be honest the moon is

boring

you know it should be this incredible

thing but whenever we get news from

space scientists it always feels like

we're hanging out with like a like a

toddler i found a walk

wow well done scientist

i found a bigger walk jesus christ well

done scientist

but let's move on from the least

inhabited place to the most new york

city

the holidays are a great time of year

here in new york the store windows are

decorated the rockettes are performing

and if you're really lucky a beautiful

snowfall will trap all of the dog poop

and garbage on the street for three

months after which it'll thaw and fill

the air with the sweet smells of spring

but apparently not every new yorker has

the holiday spirit because last night

someone set fire to the 50-foot

christmas tree outside the fox news

studios

and it's not clear how this happened i

mean it could be an accident

could be arson

could be santifa

it's not clear

and unfortunately we can't ask the tree

because like all fox employees it had to

sign an nda but

for the network that invented the war on

christmas this turned out to be the best

gift that they could have asked for i

think it tells the bigger story i mean

since this is this city is so out of

control especially in midtown manhattan

yes

we used to love it goes to the larger

issue of safety and we have been talking

for a very long time this city has gone

south when it comes to safety we don't

feel safe when we come to work in the

morning we don't safe we feel safe when

we go home at night think about it who

to ainsley's earlier point who sets a

christmas tree on fire it's a tree that

unites us that brings us together it's

about the christmas spirit it is about

the holiday season

it's about jesus it's about hanukkah it

is about everything that we stand for as

a country wait wait wait wait wait wait

oh wait wait wait a christmas tree

represents a lot of things but one thing

it definitely does not represent is

hanukkah i mean if it did that tree

would have had to burn for eight days

come on people

i mean that's a weird thing for anyone

to say but especially fox news because

these are the guys who spent 15 years

insisting that we have to say merry

christmas instead of happy holidays and

now all of a sudden the christmas tree

is half jewish it's all about the

holidays all the holidays and honestly

even calling this thing a tree is such a

stretch because i don't know if you saw

this once the flames went out it turns

out that this thing was just like

scaffolding covered in pine needles

i'm sorry but that's not a tree that's

just a jungle gym with a body hair

problem but

i will say this

i agree

with fox news hosts

they're totally right people the crime

in new york has gotten out of control

the city is a war zone blood and death

is on every corner the rats have joined

gangs everybody needs to leave so that

my rent can go down and i can finally

find some space on the subway but mostly

because it's not safe

and there's murdered rats the poor rats

have been murdered

sorry wait they're murdering whatever

brings down my rents guys that's what's

happening in new york

all right and finally a story out of

finland

the country in a throuple with no way in

sweden

finland has one of the youngest prime

ministers in the world 36 year old santa

marin and that comes with all sorts of

challenges

for instance last weekend

officials tried to text marin to let her

know that she had been exposed to covert

and needed to isolate but she didn't get

the message right away because get this

she was out at a club

until 4 00 am

yeah which if you ask me it's pretty

baller i mean especially in finland

because they only get like one hour of

sunlight a day that means she's probably

gonna sleep through that right

and people were angry people were angry

that she didn't have her phone with her

but i mean it would have been worse if

she'd gotten the message while she was

at the club

oh i might have coveted what i

can't hear you cup your hands over your

mouth and scream directly into my face

but guys i can also understand why she

wouldn't be checking her messages

because come on how hard can it be to

run finland

the biggest debate in that country is

deciding what temperature to set the

saunas at what's their stress

you know this scandal actually just

proves why america is right though to

only elect old people

they'll never have this issue the only

reason joe biden would be awake at 4 am

is to pee that makes me feel safe

[Applause]

when the coveted pandemic first swept

the world in 2020 the uk was one of the

countries that were hardest hit and it

responded with a national lockdown all

non-essential stores were closed uh

public and private gatherings were

banned and megan and harry were forced

to socially distance 7 000 miles away

but now we're learning that some of the

people who imposed the lockdown

weren't obeying it themselves boris

johnson is facing fierce criticism this

morning a leaked video shows senior

downing street staff joking about a

christmas party thrown by the british

prime minister during last year's tier

three covid lockdown this video shows

aides rehearsing for a briefing four

days after the alleged party i had just

seen reports on twitter that there was a

down street christmas party on friday

night do you recognize those reports i

went home

hold on hold on um

uh

what's the answer i don't know i think

the party was cheesy

it's fictional party was a business

meeting

and it was not socially distanced

the insensitive remarks were recorded

just days after an alleged christmas

celebration at 10 downing street a year

ago a time when coveted restrictions in

the country banned such gatherings and

while britain was battling with

overflowing hospitals and rising covet

deaths in parliament the prime minister

addressed the scandal i was also furious

to see that clip

i have been

repeatedly assured since these

allegations emerged that there was no

party

and that

and that no kovid rules were broken and

that is what i have been repeatedly

assured

we saw them practicing the lie and now

you're going to tell us that we must

believe the lie there was no party you

guys have to believe the thing that we

saw is a thing is not a thing it is a

thing everybody must believe me you know

boris bars would be a lot more

believable if it didn't look like

someone just pulled him out of a mosh

pit

and guys it's not it's not just boris by

the way it feels like every month we

catch another politician breaking their

own covert rules gavin newsom went to

that fancy restaurant the mayor of

austin flew to cabo andrew cuomo kissed

that bat

at the same time

i get why they broke covert rules to

have that party i mean people look

forward all year long to the office

christmas party it's the only chance you

have to hook up with a co-worker have

everyone in the office see it and then

pretend like it never happened it's like

a whole pass from hr

but

the worst part is how they're on video

joking about it i mean it's one thing to

break your own rules it's another thing

to laugh about it it's yet another thing

to videotape it it's like they're trying

to win the dumbass triathlon

if they manage a scandal that badly how

did they handle the pandemic

what

even worse

total disaster oh that makes sense huh

i do feel bad for them you know that

this whole thing came out a year later

you know because this scandal is

happening now but the video is from a

year ago

because i'm sure after the first six or

eight months they probably thought it

was over you know they probably thought

they'd gotten away with it

it's almost like imagine if you were at

work

and then your eighth grade teacher

walked in like we finally tracked down

who's gum that was under the desk mister

you're getting two weeks detention what

i'm 37. do you want it to be three

but let's move on to a politician who

never even had the chance to face calls

for her resignation hillary clinton

five years after somehow losing an

election to the world's worst person

hillary is hoping that her failures can

become a teachable moment for the rest

of us hillary clinton for the first time

sharing the victory speech she hoped to

deliver in the 2016 presidential

election clinton revisiting the speech

as part of a masterclass video being

released today on the topic of

resilience i've never

shared this with anybody i've never read

it out loud my fellow americans today

you sent a message to the whole world

our values endure

our democracy stands strong

and our motto remains

e pluribus unum

out of many one

that's brutal

and the way she's sitting like that and

she's reading it to us it's like the

world's most depressing fairy tale

once upon a time an ogre crushed the

dreams of a princess and nobody lived

happily ever after

the end but yes hillary clinton is

giving a master class on resiliency

that's now available everywhere except

in wisconsin for some reason and in it

in it she reads the victory speech that

she never got to deliver

and i really love how she's like i've

never shared this speech with anybody

before it was too painful and you're

paying me how much oh well i guess i

could read a few pages

and you know if this is a thing that

we're allowed to do and someone pays you

to do it i also have speeches that i

never got the chance to give i've got it

right here

i am so honored to be named the mvp of

the nba finals and just days after being

awarded the nobel prize for world's

coolest penis and look

yeah you have to admit it's a little

weird to teach a master class on the

biggest loss of your life i mean because

there's plenty of things that hillary

could teach a master class on she's

kicked ass in so many things it could be

like the inner workings of congress or

international relations or uh

um

i don't want to say killing jeffrey

epstein

look i'll say one thing

you'll never see donald trump doing this

he doesn't write back up speeches

because whether he wins or loses that

dude gives the same speech and my legal

team completely destroyed the

prosecution and i won the case

totally won what what's that

lights out okay night night warden see

you guys manana before we go please

consider supporting vibrant emotional

health they're a non-profit dedicated to

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in their work especially during the

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[Music]

you

 

作者:Chuck Lu    GitHub