Day 10: Depression

Anyway, I need to jot down what I'm experiencing right now. I'm feeling down, low mood and kind of undergoing depression. I was a positive girl many years ago. But since I failed in the national entrance exam and watching all my friends leaving for university, I got negative. During that time, I had a strong feelling about being left behind. I need friends, and in the new environment, I felt like being isolated and treated as a different kind of people because most of the classmates are new senior students and I was a repeated student. What's worse, the teachers emphasized this difference and encourage those new senior students to catch up with students like me. And they took new senior students more like their own students. Under the pressure of next national entrance exam and the hope of not to be caught up, I experienced the darkest day of my life. I became highly sensitive to people in the class because they started to chanlenge me by asking for a competition in the exam. And I found the class boring because I had learned what the teachers taught. I knew that I was not what they cared about, so I studied on my own in the class. It was a terrible experience when no one cares about you, and looks like you're fighting alone. I never ask for help in such an situation and try to look strong. This lasted to my undergraduate life. In fact, I needed help, and I didn't know how to ask for it. I felt helpless and worried about the future. I encounter serious sleep problem and I never talk to a doctor. I just think it was a mood problem that I can adjust. When I lying down, I felt headache in my forehead and I tried great effort to not frown. It always took me 2 to 3 hours to fall asleep. And I used to cry a lot. Things got better in the third year, when I almost finished all the courses and started to work on applying foreign universities. However, that terrible experience still affects my life. I get used to think negatively and I lost interest in everything, I often feel tired, low energy. All these are sympthoms of depression and it's been making my life so hard.

 

It's time to see a doctor. I need help.